7/24/07 01:29 am
Something in me has changed. I realized that tonight when I was watching the Daily Show. I know, an epiphany in the middle of a comedy show. I wish I could schedule them better, too. The thing is, I was laughing. Whole-heartedly, unguarded, bona fide laughter. I realize this sounds completely and utterly normal, and for the majority of people, it is. Not me, though. Usually I'm just kind of amused, thinking to myself, "Oh, that's clever." But tonight I was laughing (ironically, there was an astrophysicist on -- I don't know if that had anything to do with it, most of the jokes weren't astronomy based...). This came as a complete surprise to me.
I can't explain it. I can't even really understand it (slightly annoying). I'm the same person. I still make dumb mistakes. I'm still procrastinate far too much, I still like sci-fi and video games, I don't really do anything I did before any better or, for that matter, worse...but I'm different. I feel different, and not just because my shoulders are sunburned. Part of it is that I'm happier -- happier than I've been in a very long time -- but that's not all of it. Everything just appears differently to me. Everything is just...I don't know. Different. I might say better, but I don't think that's it. I think it's more like everything is clearer? brighter? Just more there. It's similar to the feeling you get when you get a new prescription of contacts, and you look through them and you say "Wow" -- not because everything just got better, but just because you can see it a little clearer. More defined, I guess.
Is this what being in love is? I always thought of it as just that bond between people, that stupidly passionate, constant need to be with another person, to know that person, to happy with that person, and it is! It is; it's just I never thought of it affecting everything else, too. I know, I probably should have realized this back when I first told her I loved her. I did love her, I wasn't lying. I knew I did, and I meant it. But I didn't know what I meant. And I was so wrapped up in that amazing feeling of closeness and happiness and security and just wanting to be there for her that I didn't even see the small stuff. I was so numb to everything when I first started Summer B that I didn't want to notice anything else, I just wanted her back with me.
I don't know why I realize it now. I still have that unbearably heavy weight of loneliness on me. I want to see her even more now that I got to over the weekend. I want to be able to wrap her up in my arms and watch her fall asleep, I want to wake up and roll over and kiss her and make breakfast with her (and not burn the pancakes this time; and yes, one of these days, I'll make some decent waffles.) I want to go to the beach with her and watch people with her and see movies with her and just cuddle up with her.
I guess I just never realized to what...depth she has affected and continues to affect my life. And somewhere inside my head I know if this happens to end, if we break up, I know she'll still be there for me. I hope this openess and clarity and whatever it is stays, too.